#hum

What about the whiskey?" Jack said as they ran. "Won't it keep them out?" The Green Maidens don't drink anything but blood." Bob's disembodied voice floated after them. "The whiskey magick won't affect them." Wonderful," the old actor muttered, a tremor of fear in his voice. "I should've poured a Bloody Mary. ↗

— Lesley Livingston

#drinks #faeries #humor #humor

Winter denial: therein lay the key to California Schadenfreude--the secret joy that the rest of the country feels at the misfortune of California. The country said: "Look at them, with their fitness and their tans, their beaches and their movie stars, their Silicon Valley and silicone breasts, their orange bridge and their palm trees. God, I hate those smug, sunshiny bastards!" Because if you're up to your navel in a snowdrift in Ohio, nothing warms your heart like the sight of California on fire. If you're shoveling silt out of your basement in the Fargo flood zone, nothing brightens your day like watching a Malibu mansion tumbling down a cliff into the sea. And if a tornado just peppered the land around your Oklahoma town with random trailer trash and redneck nuggets, then you can find a quantum of solace in the fact that the earth actually opened up in the San Fernando Valley and swallowed a whole caravan of commuting SUVs. ↗

— Christopher Moore

#humor

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to compute it. ↗

— Steven Pinker

#linguistics #science #humor

...it will always remain my private persuasion that Nature was absorbed in making cabbages when Mrs. Vesey was born, and that the good lady suffered the consequences of a vegetable preoccupation in the mind of the Mother of us all. ↗

— Wilkie Collins

#humor

ah, what am I suppose to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happen ↗

— Dane Cook

#humor #religion #humor

Fuck you," Alex growls. He shoves back his chair and walks away. "That's the old Alex I used to know! I understand that language loud and clear," I call after him. ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#humor

Cass, I know you’re only trying to help but I will stab you in your face. ↗

— S.L.J. Shortt

#humor #humor

There's my baby!" I cried, quite carried away, "There's my poochiekins!" ... "Sadie," My dad said firmly, "Please do not refer to the devourer of souls as 'poochiekins'. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#children-s #humor #mythology #serpent-in-the-shadows #humor

Ostendes tuum et ostendam meus? ↗

— Maggie Stiefvater

#latin #maggie-stiefvater #ronan-lynch #the-raven-boys #humor

Oh" She seems relieved. "So you weren't—" "Don't worry, Ms.Grey. I wasn't drinking, smoking, toking or snorting in school. I keep the recreational drug use at home where it belongs. ↗

— Courtney Summers

#parker-fadley #humor