#hum

AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish. ↗

— Ambrose Bierce

#crime #humor #immigration #politics #punishment

You shouldn't let him hit you so much" observed saphira "Yes I realize that'" he growled. "Do you want me to knock him over for you?" "No...not today. ↗

— Christopher Paolini

#humor

But beauty, real beauty, ends where an intellectual expression begins. Intellect is in itself a mode of exaggeration, and destroys the harmony of any face. The moment one sits down to think, one becomes all nose, or all forehead, or something horrid. Look at the successful men in any of the learned professions. How perfectly hideous they are! Except, of course, in the Church. But then in the Church they don't think. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#humorous #beauty

I’ll not only win glory in a castrated bullfighting tournament, I can make a profit by selling rocky mountain oysters, too. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #funny

The thin girl was gulping down one of Richard's bananas in what was, Richard reflected, the least erotic display of banana-eating he had ever seen. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#science-fiction #humor

I have never been reduced to begging somebody to leave me alone, but in your case I’ll make an exception. ↗

— Tom Upton

#young-adult-fiction #humor

You think you're so cool just because you can walk! ↗

— Jen Lancaster

#humor #humor

I had two cups of coffee, put Eric's jeans in the washer, read a romance for awhile, and studied my brand-new Word of the Day calendar, a Christmas gift from Arlene. My first word of the New Year was 'exsanguinate.' This was probably not a good omen. ↗

— Charlaine Harris

#vampire #humor

I've never questioned the integrity of an umpire. Their eyesight, yes. ↗

— Leo Durocher

#humor #sports #umpires #humor

I always say that love is like the meat in a pie,” Freddy put in. “The crust is what people see—the practical things that hold a couple together. But love is the important part—without it you’ve got a meatless pie, and what’s the point of that?” “Why, Freddy,” Minerva said, “that was almost profound. ↗

— Sabrina Jeffries

#love #humor