#hum

It was strange and amusing...and, honestly, a bit embarrassing...to realize how much being near Bella had softened me. It seemed like no one was afraid of me any more. If Emmett found out about this, he would be laughing for the next century. ↗

— Stephenie Meyer

#humor

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit. ↗

— Richard Pryor

#humor #religion #vampires #humor

Bones didn’t share any of my qualms about suddenly holding an arm that wasn’t attached to a body anymore. He just grabbed the ghoul by his other arm and began thumping him over the head with the loose limb. I’d heard Bones threaten to beat someone with their own limb before, but I’d always assumed that was a figure of speech. Apparently not. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#cat #humorous #humor

You look disappointed to see me, Zach," Macey teased. "Don't you like my jacket? ↗

— Ally Carter

#humor #macey-mchenry #zach-goode #humor

A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded. ↗

— Daniel Handler

#ignorance #lemony-snicket #library #humor

An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks as much as you do. ↗

— Dylan Thomas

#definitions #humor #substance-abuse #humor

She should've interviewed Snape," said Harry grimly. "He'd give her the goods on me any day. "Potter has been crossing lines ever since he first arrived at this school... ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor #newspaper #rita-skeeter #snape #humor

Yes, men are pigs. Except your brother, of course. He's actually a decent human being. Almost a woman. -Jillian's mother ↗

— Gena Showalter

#men #romance #humor

Rock 'n' roll is not red carpets and MySpace friends, rock'n'roll is dangerous and should piss people off ↗

— Gerard Way

#life #music #humor

Women intrinsically understand human dynamics, and that makes them unstoppable. Unfortunately, the average man is less adroit at fostering such rivalries, which is why most men remain average; males are better at hating things that can't hate them back (e.g., lawnmowers, cats, the Denver Broncos, et cetera). They don't see the big picture. ↗

— Chuck Klosterman

#humor