#hum

If history teaches us anything at all, it is that sooner or later, wherever you go or whatever you do, the sad, brutal fact remains that you're almost bound to run into somebody or something that really needs killin'. ↗

— Taylor Anderson

#humor

When I was a boy, I naively thought that this thing called happiness would be something I would wake up to find every day once I could smoke, drink and fornicate. ↗

— Jeffrey Bernard

#happiness #humor #sex #smoking #humor

I've barely said five words to you. What indication could you possibly have that I am a Yankee?" "Well, we could start with the words 'what indication.' Someone from south of the Mason-Dixon would have said, 'Who the hell are you calling a Yankee?' Then we would have fought. ↗

— Jana Deleon

#south #yankee #humor

George had taken off all ten of his fingers and tied them into a bundle with what appeared to be either his own small intestines, or a guitar string; as I walked into the room, he lovingly placed the bundle on his head. ↗

— Alan Goldsher

#george-harrison #humor #humor

If I had wanted children of my own, I would have gotten married. If I had wanted to get married, I would have fallen in love. If I had wanted to fall in love, I would have met the right girl. If I had wanted to meet the right girl, I would have drank a whole lot less. ↗

— Carroll Bryant

#humor

Sometimes in life, you just have to bend over. ↗

— Jeri Estes

#humor

Cara waggled a hand over the two of them. "It works better with your clothes off." Richard frowned. His voice came as a hoarse croak. "What?" She seemed mystified by the question. "I believe you will find such things work better without clothes." She put her hands to her hips. "I thought you would know at least that much. ↗

— Terry Goodkind

#clothes #humor #kahlan #richard #sex

Cara burst into a hearty laugh. She clapped Richard on the back as he walked passed. "I like her, Lord Rahl. You may keep her. ↗

— Terry Goodkind

#humor #kahlan #richard #humor

If everyone wants to be somebody, I want to be somebody else ↗

— Benny Bellamacina

#life #philosophy #humor

Ever since the robot was first invented, there have been people who swear up and down that this marks the first step towards the fall of man … To be fair, their arguments are backed with scientific fact taken from documentary films such as The Terminator, The Matrix, and RoboCop. ↗

— Weston Locher

#comedy #essay #funny #humor #funny