#humor

What I'm expecting is for you to behave like the gentleman I always thought you were. ↗

— Wendelin Van Draanen

#men #humor

Mortgages are the best way to get people thinking about the afterlife. Corporate realty is an eternal corporeality. ↗

— Bauvard

#heaven #humor #mortgages #real-estate #funny

When one's unconscious is full of vice, nothing realizes inner potential like hypocrisy. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #hypocrisy #potential #self-actualization #vice

When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #cats #curls #dance #dancing

Good cheaters always have honest intentions towards each other. It is what makes a fair advantage possible. ↗

— Bauvard

#fairness #funny #humor #funny

The big male gestured to a chair in the corner. "Mind if I sit?" She nodded her acquiescence. "Go right ahead. That chair has seen more tail than a rock star lately. ↗

— Elisabeth Staab

#funny-humor #siddoh #funny

One must binge constantly to remain self-employed. To sober up would result in getting fired for over-efficiency. ↗

— Bauvard

#binging #employment #funny #humor #sobriety

My marriage is crumbling and this hat is all I have left in the world - aside from my brilliant wit, my dastardly good looks, and my charming accent. ↗

— Bauvard

#hats #humor #marriage #funny

When wearing a loincloth is not customary, it is risque. Being old-fashioned never goes out of style. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #loincloths #old-fashioned #style #underwear

V.L.A.D.: Vampire League Against Discrimination. ↗

— Carrie Vaughn

#funny #humor #vampires #vlad #funny