#humor

Bride, n. - A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. ↗

— Ambrose Bierce

#happiness #humor #marriage #matrimony #satire

Ah hell, this was bad. Double-chocolate-chips-to-my-hips kinda bad. ↗

— Priya Kanaparti

#humor #humor

If you have ever opened a can of worms, boxed yourself into a corner, ended up in hot water, or found yourself in a pretty pickle, you already know that life is rarely (if ever) just a bowl of cherries. ↗

— Maryrose Wood

#humor

I thought bridesmaid's dresses were supposed to be horrid and ugly to make the bride more stunning," I joked to her in a whisper. "Yeah right, you marry a gorgeous actor and you want me to show up in a Goodwill special? No way sister! There are bound to be other single, gorgeous actors around, and I intend to land one of them for myself. Or get laid at the very least."... ↗

— Chasta Schneider

#humor #wedding #humor

Oh dear. I have just seen Angus hunkering down in the long grass. He's stalking their poodle. I'll have to intervene to avert a massacre. Oh, it's OK, Mrs. Next Door has thrown a brick at him. ↗

— Louise Rennison

#humor

Just roll me in fairy dust and call me a unicorn. ↗

— Lita Burke

#fairy #humor #steampunk #unicorn #wizard

That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#humor

It's a crime to be that hot and yet, that evil. ↗

— E.C. Newman

#nick #nick-birch #phase #humor

Because that’s where I keep my Great Big Book of Manners by Emily Post and I want to beat you with it. ↗

— Susan Bischoff

#humor

And in the fountain squatted a giant crab. I’m not talking ‘giant’ like $7.99 all-you-can-eat Alaskan king crab. I’m talking ‘giant’ like bigger than the fountain. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor