#humor

Last month she’d read that a man’s connective tissue aligned horizontally with the skin, whereas a female’s went perpendicular—which was why women got lumpy cellulite and men didn’t. And doesn’t that totally prove that God is male? ↗

— Cherise Sinclair

#men-and-women #men

I'm a shreddermouf, aren't I?' 'I was afraid of that,' said Tansy. He was going to keep her in his larder until he was hungy again, and then he was going to rip her apart. 'Dis is my lair', said the shreddermouth proudly. 'It's de best lair in Tiratattle.' 'Is it?' said Tansy. 'Oh yes. It's a drainage tunnel. Goes right up to de surface, it does. Lots of storage space. My name's Gulp.' 'Tansy,' said Tansy, deciding not to ask him what he kept in his storage space and wondering whether introductions were quite the thing. ↗

— Elizabeth Kay

#hopeless-situation #humor #introductions #lair #men-eating-monster

[Out loud] Kitty: I object! [Telephathically] Scott: What? Emma: Bugger, was that acting? Colossus: Is not courtroom, Katya. Kitty: Shut up! I'm not good at having two conversations at once. And I hate Scott's plan! Scott: You mean you"object" to it. ↗

— Joss Whedon

#men

I learned another rule, men don't buy men flowers ↗

— Dora Okeyo

#love

If your arteries are good, eat more ice cream. If they are bad, drink more red wine. Proceed thusly. ↗

— Sandra Byrd

#health #humor #ice-cream #motivation #wine

[He] had insisted that inanimate objects couldn't have malignant motivations, but Emma had extensive proof to the contrary. ↗

— Lauren Willig

#inanimate-objects #motivational

Zay shrugged one shoulder. “I wouldn’t say it was entirely innocent. All that warm, wet water touching us everywhere. And the soap definitely had ulterior motives.” I wrapped the towel around me, tucking it tight at the top. “That career in comedy? Walk away now, Jones. ↗

— Devon Monk

#motivational

For me, boviscopophobia (=the morbid fear of being seen as bovine) is an even stronger motive than semi-agoraphobia for staying on the ship when we're in port. ↗

— David Foster Wallace

#phobias #travel #motivational

terrorism n. Violence for political purposes or the politically motivated threat of violence which, either intentionally or unintentionally, challenges the state's monopoly on political violence. ↗

— Leslie Starr O'Hara

#politics #satire #wit #motivational

A brick and a blanket can be used as reasons to go on searching, when you’ve found all the obvious applications for the brick and the blanket—and immediately discarded them—but you lost the motivation to keep thinking, and you’ve lost hope that you will discover any new uses for them. Thus the brick and the blanket become symbols for creativity and perseverance. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny