#humor

Pandas and rain forests are never mentioned when it comes to the millions of people taking joyrides in their Range Rovers. Rather, it's the little things we're strong-armed into conserving. At a chain coffee bar in San Francisco, I saw a sign near the cream counter that read NAPKINS COME FROM TREES - CONSERVE! In case you missed the first sign, there was a second one two feet away, reading YOU WASTE NAPKINS - YOU WASTE TREES!!! The cups, of course, are also made of paper, yet there's no mention of the mighty redwood when you order your four-dollar coffee. The guilt applies only to those things that are being given away for free. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor

You keep distracting me,” I tell her. “All I’m doing is sitting here talking to you!” “Exactly,” I say, and I smile at her.j ↗

— Jodi Picoult

#distraction #humor #love #oliver #humor

Well, wasn't this a night for firsts. Sex. Arson. Pants. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#humor

When it was her turn to say good-bye, Aryal said, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do." Niniane opened and closed her mouth. She said, "I have no idea how to respond to that. ↗

— Thea Harrison

#humor #humor

Douglas’s fridge was a stainless-steel masterpiece. I’m not that into appliances or anything, but this one was nice and probably cost more than my last apartment. I had the strange desire to hug it every time I came into the kitchen. ↗

— Lish McBride

#humor #lust #humor

Maura whirled towards Blue. "Blue, if you ever see that man again, you just walk the other way." "No," Calla corrected. "Kick him in the nuts. Then run the other way. ↗

— Maggie Stiefvater

#humor

its pretty warm out here for a coat.' Jessica said, an eyebrow lifted at him. 'i'm willing to suffer for style. ↗

— Olivia Cunning

#humor

Also unfortunately, Congress is far too busy asking if baseball players are really as strong as they seem and trying to choke bankers with wads of cash to grant more funds to such trifling matters as the avoidance of space bullets, so they won't give NASA the money ↗

— Robert Brockway

#humor #satire #science #business

I love Paul O'Neill, but you could not pay me enough to work for him again" one official told me. "the man has never encountered an answer he can't turn into another twenty hours of work. ↗

— Charles Duhigg

#business

When is Colton coming over again?" I straightened magazines on the coffee table and pretended the subject didn't bother me. "When he realizes the truth about either me or Bryant." Julianne's head popped up from behind the couch, where Ken and a collection of tiny plastic picnic food had fallen. "When will that be?" "Oh probably around the same time hell freezes over." "I thought Colton was your friend," Evelynn said. "I thought you liked him." "I do-well, I used to." It made me feel sad just to say the words. Rebecca gave me a long look. "But you're not going to talk to him until hell freezes over?" I straightened another magazine. "Well, anything is possible. After all, Colton is in the same business as the devil, so he probably has some pull down there. Hell might be cooling as we speak. ↗

— Janette Rallison

#business