#humor

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God. ↗

— Scott Dikkers

#atheism #childhood #humor #kids #parenting

Holy mother!" "Hmph. More like holy father. I'd think you'd know the difference." -Hephaetus ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor #humor

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. ↗

— George Lucas

#sci-fi #star-wars #humor

When I die of heart failure the next time you frighten me like that, you can put that on my gravestone —‘I didn’t mean to startle her ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#epitaph #humor #masques #humor

I'd like to have money. And I'd like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that's too adorable, I'd rather have money. ↗

— Dorothy Parker

#humor

I've never created a riot before. I did cause a brawl at the last formal. A large number of young women there actually arrived with the expectation of seducing me into matrimony, and a couple of their mothers came to blows. It was hilari—I mean, dreadful. Simply dreadful. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#humor #humor

The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor

As my father always used to tell me, 'You see, son, there's always someone in the world worse off than you.' And I always used to think, 'So? ↗

— Bill Bryson

#humor #humor

I think it's kinda nice.' And I did. my mom isn't famous for her pies. No, she's famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail holder. Somehow, at the moment, pies seemed cooler. ↗

— Ally Carter

#espionage #humor #humor

I picked up one of the books and flipped through it. Don't get me wrong, I like reading. But some books should come with warning labels: Caution: contains characters and plots guaranteed to induce sleepiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery after ingesting more than one chapter. Has been known to cause blindness, seizures and a terminal loathing of literature. Should only be taken under the supervision of a highly trained English teacher. Preferably one who grades on the curve. ↗

— Laurie Halse Anderson

#boring-books #humorous #humor