#humor

Then one last thought tugs at me, so I turn back. "So why did you name me Tamsin?" I ask. "You always promised to tell me later. Even though, technically, it's earlier." My grandmother's smile flickers, deepens. "It's how you introduced yourself to me tonight. I just assumed that's what you wanted to be named. ↗

— Carolyn MacCullough

#humor

I supposed that if I had a third eye in the middle of my forehead she would want one of those too. “You don’t want a fake orange tan, Munchkin.” “Yes, I do,” she insisted. “It’s pretty.” Alex was amused. “Oh, I think so too. Very pretty and informative. I have always wondered what the female Oompa-Loompas looked like. ↗

— Tammy Blackwell

#humor

I can’t sit through this thing with you next to me flashing your man cave the whole time. ↗

— J.A. Redmerski

#humor #humor

Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We're all shitty little snowflakes, dancing in the universe. ↗

— Lewis Black

#humor

It is a popular fact that nine-tenths of the brain is not used and, like most popular facts, it is wrong. Not even the most stupid Creator would go to the trouble of making the human head carry around several pounds of unnecessary gray goo if its only real purpose was, for example, to serve as a delicacy for certain remote tribesmen in unexplored valleys. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #humor

If I were illiterate, my signature would be audible. It’d be two grunts and a sigh. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#illiterate #signature #humor

I was never going to get any sleep. I was going to have Alice in Wonderland conversation after Alice in Wonderland conversation until I died of exhaustion. Here, in the restful, idyllic Victorian era. ↗

— Connie Willis

#humor #victorian-era #humor

There was a sudden commotion in front of us. The Seelie had just sifted in, minus V'Lane, in close proximity to Ryodan, Lor, and Fade. I wasn't sure who was more disgusted. Or homicidal. Velvet hissed. "You have no right to be here!" "Kill it." Ryodan said flatly. "Don't you dare!" I heard Jo snap. "Fucking faeries," Lor muttered. ↗

— Karen Marie Moning

#humor

I had no idea what I was paying James, but based on his picnic-assembling skills alone, he needed a raise. ↗

— Lish McBride

#salary #humor

That was one problem with dramatic exits: Sometimes they wound up making you look like a bubblehead. ↗

— Scott Westerfeld

#humor