#humor

Professor Longbottom only assigned us to write about spynuswort because it’s one of the three most useful plants in the magical world. If we were to write about every one of its uses, we’d be turning in encyclopedias, you silly boy. ↗

— G. Norman Lippert

#humor

So, Belle, what's new today?" Dad," I said, grasping his hands and looking directly into his eyes. "I'm in the deepest love that has ever occurred in the history of the world." Gosh, Belle. When someone asks you 'What's new?' the correct answer is 'Not much'. Besides, isn't it a little soon to cut yourself off from the rest of your peers, depending on a boyfriend to satisfy your social needs as opposed to making friends? Imagine what would happen if something forced that boy to leave! I'm imagining pages and pages would happen - with nothing but the names of the months on them. ↗

— The Harvard Lampoon

#humor

And then Dieter was like, 'Over my dead body!' "And I was thinking my roomie was about to get his wish. "And then Rei got super vampy and was like, 'Yield to my power!' "And then Dieter started grunting and looked super uncomfortable. "And then Rei took a step forward. "And then Dieter dropped to his knees, but a moment later he started going 'Reee!' "And I was like, 'Oh, for the love of God, please don't kill me.' "And then Rei walked over and elbowed him in the head.... "That's about it. Oh, and there were grenades. ↗

— B. Justin Shier

#humor

You can get away with saying much more with humor than you can with a straight face ↗

— Sherry Argov

#love #relationships #humor

{Summertime she speaks of winter, she eats ham, but speaks of beef, got a good man but, flirts with another. She might as well go to hell, cause she ain't gonna be happy in heaven either!}www.nancybbrewer.com From new books coming soon- 3rd in Carolina Rain series. ↗

— Nancy B. Brewer

#history #humor #romance #southern #southern-women

My teacher asked my favorite color. ... I said ‘Rainbow’.... and I was punished to stand out of my class. ↗

— Saket Assertive

#humor #life #philosophy #rainbow #humor

Sports have nothing to do with fair play. They are bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, disregard of all rules and sadistic pleasure in witnessing violence ↗

— George Orwell

#humor

Optimism: That effervescent, blindingly- bright, perky, chipper, twittering quality you want to squash out of annoying people. ↗

— Richelle E. Goodrich

#cheerfulness #humor #merriment #optimism #pleasantness

Then one last thought tugs at me, so I turn back. "So why did you name me Tamsin?" I ask. "You always promised to tell me later. Even though, technically, it's earlier." My grandmother's smile flickers, deepens. "It's how you introduced yourself to me tonight. I just assumed that's what you wanted to be named. ↗

— Carolyn MacCullough

#humor

I supposed that if I had a third eye in the middle of my forehead she would want one of those too. “You don’t want a fake orange tan, Munchkin.” “Yes, I do,” she insisted. “It’s pretty.” Alex was amused. “Oh, I think so too. Very pretty and informative. I have always wondered what the female Oompa-Loompas looked like. ↗

— Tammy Blackwell

#humor