#humor

Do you sometimes wish you could fast-forward a week? You know something bad's coming up, and you know you'll get through it, but the prospect just makes you feel sick. I worried for about thirty minutes, and though I knew there was no point in doing so, I could feel my anxiety twisting me up in a knot. 'Bullshit,' I told myself stoutly. 'This is utter bullshit. ↗

— Charlaine Harris

#humor #humor

I spend the rest of the night doing schoolwork. After striking a match and lighting a candal, I sit down at my desk with my quill pen and parchment to write an essay for my ethics class on the legalities of fan fiction. ↗

— Fanny Merkin

#humor

Maybe you’re sleepwalking. And sleeptexting. And sleepprimping.” “What’s next?” I grumbled to myself. Things were getting more out of control by the minute. “I don’t know,” she said, straightening up and tucking her phone into the waistband of her leggings. “Just don’t start sleepfucking. ↗

— Karina Halle

#experience

If you can't forgive and forget, then pick one and do it ... ↗

— James Brault

#forgiveness #humor #forgiveness

When I blow my trumpet to signal the glorious new morning, my cheeks bulge like two scoops of vanilla. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #ice-cream #trumpets #funny

Russell?” “Yeah! You got my back now?” Russell asks in a sour tone, looking over the railing from the tower above. “’Cuz one of them freaky demon things almost ate me after y’all left!” “A Riser nearly ate you?” Reed asks with humor in his tone “Yeah, whatever—it’s not funny!” he calls down, sounding irritated. “Next time, I want Zee for my wingman.” “That is because I am the ultimate assassin,” Zephyr replies from behind Reed. ↗

— Amy A. Bartol

#funny

We grow up opposing our parents only to become like them enough to oppose our children who behave as we once did—a reminder of how dreadful we were toward those now vindicated grandparents. And you thought God had no sense of humor. ↗

— Richelle E. Goodrich

#god #karma #learning #parenthood #parents

Well, fame is a drug and when you take it away from an addict, things can get ugly. ↗

— Melissa Jo Peltier

#reality-tv #satire #television #humor

Paull has his own style, which is folksy, not canned. Religion? He's got one. His prophet's Ayn Rand. By Rand's eerie theories he's fervently gripped, So he won't do flip-flops. He long ago flipped. ↗

— Calvin Trillin

#politics #humor

So, what are you doing with my little sister today?” Daniel asked. I closed my eyes in defeat. “I’m afraid I can’t ruin the surprise,” Noah said. “But I promise I’ll return her intact.” He did not just say that. Daniel cackled ↗

— Michelle Hodkin

#embarrassment #humor #humor