#humor

I’m a bona fide bon vivant. Tonight, I gave the toast. I told everyone it was spread with butter, but it was actually margarine. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #sincerity #funny

I have not had so good of a week. Well, monday was a pretty good day, if you don't count Hamburger Surprise at lunch and Margaret's mother coming to get her. Or the stuff that happened in the principal's office when I got sent there to explain that Margaret's hair was not my fault and besides she looks okay without it, but I couldn't because Principal Rice was gone, trying to calm down Margaret's mother. Someone should tell you not to answer the phone in the principal's office, if that's a rule. Okay, fine, Monday was not so good of a day. ↗

— Sara Pennypacker

#funny

He was a humorist, and everyone knew the funny writers were the most serious sort under their skins. ↗

— Paula McLain

#humor #writing #funny

I didn’t realize how outdoorsy my parents were until I went to a public school. I howled a lot over the processed lunchmeat. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #wolves #funny

I really hate it when people want to kill me. It makes me think they don't want to be friends. - Raven from Blood of Prey ↗

— R.J. Dennis

#humor #funny

You are getting a wooden leg for your birthday, and you are going to love it. Incidentally, this means removing your leg below the knee. You’ll make lots of friends. You can even attach a bundle of straw at the end, like a broom, and apply to be a janitor. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

A blanket is a sanctuary, a place where a man can enjoy his banana in peace. I laid a few grapes on grandma’s headstone, and I remembered her as she was, when she first died. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A brick would make a great lead character in an urban drama, because with 12 edges, a brick would be the edgiest character on TV by two sides.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A brick is a good object to hide a house key under. No burglar will be able to get to your key, especially if you hide it under the first brick the mason’s lay when constructing your house. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A brick could be substituted in for Rhode Island as a US state, because they’re roughly the same size, the have the same population (the brick may have one less person), and Grandma Kintz makes the best Excuse Soup in the entire state.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny