#humor

Aren't the Amish against violence? Yes, but you see, I'm not very good at being Amish...so remember what I say. ↗

— Kelly Long

#humor #humor

A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re having boring, obligatory sex with your spouse, who’s as dry and exciting as a sack of flour. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#books #boring #brick-and-blanket #funny #humor

Three lights should be fine." - Zachary "Aye, well if it wis me, I'd want a bloody lighthoose beacon comin' oot o' my arse." - True MacDonald ↗

— Steve Alten

#loch #sci-fi #steve-alten #sci-fi

No walking! No standing, no bending, no moving, no accessing the Shadow Roads, nothing. You don't swim for an hour after eating, you don't swan around like an idiot for an hour after narrowly avoiding death.' 'Toby does,' said Quentin. 'Toby is genetically predisposed to swan around like an idiot,' Jin shot back. 'Now sit. ↗

— Seanan McGuire

#humor #spoiler #death

Article 100: "When pulling up to a stoplight, a Bro lowers his window so that all might enjoy his music selection." Corollary: "If there happens to be a hot chick driving the car next to the Bro, the Bro shall put his sunglasses down to get a better look. If he's not wearing his sunglasses, he will first put them on, then pull down to get a better look. ↗

— Barney Stinson

#humor

I was done with men. Totally and completely. I was looking forward to a life as a cat lady. I was going to get a dozen cats and a fucking great vibrator, maybe one of those rabbits I heard about, and that was it. ↗

— Kristen Ashley

#romance #humor

If you lie there much longer, I’ll be tempted to tie you to the table legs and try buttering your ass instead of the toast. ↗

— Cari Silverwood

#humor #sexy #humor

Sasha snorted. "I have never in my extremely long life seen anyone take so long to answer a question. It's like you went into your brain and got lost. you need a bread crumb, buddy?" He made a noise like he was calling his pet. "Here Lassie, here. Come back girl. ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#humour #humor

My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin. ↗

— Deanne Smith

#humor

That's why when major badasses greet each other in movies, they don't say anything, they just nod. The nod means 'I am a badass, and i recognize that you, too, are a badass'... ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor