#humor

My your balls wither away and you develop and allergy to Viagra and all it's counter-parts (Sophie to Royd) ↗

— Iris Johansen

#humor

I was taken to an examining room where a big butch nurse practitioner came in and asked me if I was pregnant. “No way!” Was I sexually active? “Nope!” Had I ever been molested? “Well,” I said, trying to make a joke, “Oprah says the only answers to that question are ‘Yes’ and ‘I don’t remember.’ ” I laughed. We were having fun. The nurse looked at me, concerned/annoyed. ↗

— Tina Fey

#oprah #oprah-winfrey #humor

One is tempted to define man as a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#reason #humor

Traditional Botswana men like ladies who are more traditionally shaped. You and I, Mma. We remind men of how things used to be in Botswana before these modern-shaped ladies started to get men all confused. ↗

— Alexander McCall Smith

#humor

Piper went a little crazy. She cried out with relief and dove straight into the water. What was she thinking? She didn't take a rope or a life vest or anything. But at the moment, she was just so happy that she paddled over to Leo and kissed him on the cheek, which kind of surprised him. "Miss me?" Leo laughed. Piper was suddenly furious. "Where were you? How are you guys alive?" "Long story," he said. A picnic basket bobbed to the surface next to him. "Want a brownie? ↗

— Rick Riordan

#romance #romantic #humor

Life is a huge farce, and the advantage of possessing a sense of humour is that it enables one to defy fate with mocking laughter. ↗

— George R. Gissing

#life #pessimism #humor

I ejaculated about ten minutes ago and the stuff was black. So everything is not normal." Silence greeted that happy little announcement. Man, if he had hauled off and sucker-punched V, he would have gotten less of a shocked-out reaction. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#friendships #humor #sex #friendship

I want you back, Annabelle.” This time my laughter is full of nothing but genuine humor. It’s that ‘oh my god, I can’t believe that’ kind of humor. I lean forward and put my face in my palms, still laughing. “Holy crap,” I say in-between laughs, “that’s hilarious.” I peek up at him to see his disgruntled expression and then bust up laughing again.  “I’m serious,” he grunts out, looking cute in his exasperation, damn him. Not done, I hold up a hand. “Oh, oh, wait. Just let me go get my gun so you can shoot me again. Of course I want to get back together with you, Gabriel.” Putting on a serious face, I say earnestly, “He shoots me because he loves me. ↗

— April Brookshire

#gabriel #humor

I honestly can’t tell you. We’ve never had a situation like this before, “I admitted. “So you being an angel doesn’t meam…” He hesitated. “Doesn’t mean I have an answer for everything,” I concluded for him. “I just assumed it would be one of the perks.” “Sadly, no. ↗

— Alexandra Adornetto

#humor

Kope!” the other guy yeled. “What the frick?! You got some cheetah blood in you or what?”“Seriously!” insisted Blake. “How did you run so fast?” “I am African.” Without taking his eyes from mine, Kopano eased himself off me, and I sat up. ↗

— Wendy Higgins

#humor