#humor

I had no desire to hear another woman tell my boyfriend how hot he was. If I wanted him to know, I'd damn well tell him myself. ↗

— Rachel Vincent

#humor #rogue #vincent #humor

No single thing abides; and all things are fucked up. ↗

— Philip K. Dick

#humor #postmodern #humor

I had a polynomial once. My doctor removed it. ↗

— Michael Grant

#humor #mathematics #humor

Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business ↗

— Gregory David Roberts

#humor #business

Well-read people are less likely to be evil. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#humor

You can only be in a bad mood for so long before you have to face up to the fact that it isn't a bad mood at all; it's just your sucky personality. ↗

— Megan McCafferty

#humor

Does breakfast in bed count as a morning workout? ↗

— Elizabeth Jane Howard

#humorous-quotations #humor

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. ↗

— A.A. Milne

#idleness #inspirational #humor

Hi Liz! You're home!" I replied, my voice louder than it probably should've been. "Hey, how's it going?" she asked, her eyes narrowing and moving shiftily from me to Peter and back. "It's going good. Even better. Is it? Yeah, I guess. Good. Really good. Totally better," I babbled, while Peter could only manage a raised hand in greeting and a weird phrase like, "Down the basement." Liz rolled her eyes and trudged off, calling back as she vanished from view, "I want the results of pregnancy tests from both of you by the time I get out of the shower! ↗

— Hayden Thorne

#masks-series #superheroes #home

There are four on whose pots the Holy One, blessed he, knocked, only to find them filled with piss, and these are they: Adam, Cain, the wicked Balaam, and Hezekiah." Again, an abrupt transposition from the divine to the domestic, from upper to lowly spheres, occurs in the midrash. The homely image of the Holy One knocking on pots apparently derives from the practice of tapping on a clay or earthen pot to hear its ring in order to decide if it is worthy of holding wine. In current Hebrew usage, the expression 'to assess or gauge someone's pot' still denotes taking in the measure of a person's character. From Adam's answer to God, we learn that he turned out to be a pisspot. ↗

— Shuli Barzilai

#humor #wordplay #home