#humor

No idea how you figured out the riddle, but you scooped the first prize. Congratulations. You've just won a vacation to a big, relaxing place called a grave. ↗

— Jayde Scott

#humor #jayde-scott #vampires #humor

Say it, woman." "It. Woman." "God, you're a pain. ↗

— Kristan Higgins

#humor

It turns out that Molly wasn't her mother's daughter in that respect. Charity was like the MacGuyver of the kitchen. She could whip up a five-course meal for twelve from an egg, two spaghetti noodles, some household chemicals, and a stick of chewing gum. Molly ... Molly once burned my egg. My boiled egg. I don't know how. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#domesticity #dresden-files #humor #humor

For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up. ↗

— Craig Ferguson

#humor

Over time, I have realized that at 20, you can wear too much makeup and people assume you're a slut. Do it at 40 and they think you're a sea witch. ↗

— Melodie Ramone

#women #humor

You are too arrogant for your own good. I officially de-mate you. Go away. I never want to see you again. Except maybe tonight. Naked. Your place. But after that, no more. ↗

— Katie MacAlister

#humor

Maybe,” he said in a slow, rural drawl, “you could explain to me why I found you in the middle of an orgy.” “Well,” I said, “if you’re going to be in an orgy, the middle is the best spot, isn’t it. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #orgy #sarcasm #humor

I’m at the top of my game. And that game is Monopoly. I’m standing on the board right now.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#game #humor #monopoly #pinnacle #humor

You know what love means? It means loving the person you are now and not the person you want someone to be or the person they will be. ↗

— Samantha Stroh Bailey

#humor #romance-funny #romantic-comedy #funny

The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you. ↗

— Criss Jami

#anatomy #biological #biology #brain #cognition