#humor

If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning, and you think you are an onion, this is your car, (about the BMW X3). ↗

— Jeremy Clarkson

#humor #humor

A brick could be used as a laxative. You know, “Shit a brick.”
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

If you stopped tellin' people it's all sorted out after they're dead, they might try sorting it all out while they're alive. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #humor

I'm looking for a man" Bree started. "Aren't we all, dear? All I got's bread and doughnuts, but they're the next best thing" "I don't know about that .. well maybe doughnuts. I've lost my .. friend. He's tall-sixfour-longish dark hair, wearing a kilt" "Oh him" She smacked a hand over her heart "I'd take him over doughnuts any day ↗

— Anita Clenney

#paranormal-romance #humor

He'd asked me to marry him. He'd kissed me. Twice. He said he loved me. What a scum, rat, dog bastard. I wouldn't sleep with him now if I was dying and the only thing that could save me was a penis injection from him. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#humor

Okay, don't get mad." She pulled out my stake --- or at least something that looked like my stake,only the hilt of it was now covered in bright blue crystals and diamond-like gems. "You Bedazzled my stake?" "Um ... Surprise," April said, "Just because you're hunting nasty stuff doesn't mean you can't do it in style. ↗

— Bree Despain

#grace #humor #inspirtation-ya #humor

Women need a reason to have sex; men need only a place. ↗

— Nelson DeMille

#humor

Nothing shows you the straight line from here to death like a list. ↗

— Chuck Palahniuk

#humor #death

William slapped him on the shoulder, sending Sex into rapturous convulsions. “Before we do this, I’ve got one question for you. And you can’t lie. This is too important.” A bit sick to his stomach at what such a debaucher could want to know, Paris cast his attention to the black-haired, blue-eyed he-devil. “Ask.” “Are you going to suggest I kiss you for good luck or strength or whatever it is your sex demon needs?” That earned the warrior a two-fingered salute. “So that’s a no?” William asked. Paris worked his jaw. “Here, let me help you off the cliff to the drawbridge.” With no more warning, he shoved William over the ledge. He thought he heard a fading, “ So not cool,” from the bastard as he fell…fell… Splat. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#humor #humor

We're making a list." "And checking it twice." Edward shook his head. ↗

— Laurell K. Hamilton

#humor