#humor

Why Banning Miller, what a vision you are in your fine dress. Must've taken a dozen slaves a dozen days to get you into that getup. 'Course, your daddy tells me it takes the space of a schoolboy's wink to get you out of it again. ↗

— Jane Espenson

#humor

(T)here was a story they used to tell at home about a girl whose punishment was that every time she opened her mouth, snakes and toads came out, snakes and toads with every word. The book didn't say what she did about it, but I've always assumed she probably ended up keeping her mouth shut. ↗

— Thomas Mann

#humor

A good editor is like a pair of Spanx: firming up the body, making the subject look good, and absolutely invisible. ↗

— Sandi Layne

#humor

Am I bothered? Am I bothered though. I ain't doing nothing cause I ain't bothered. ↗

— Catherine Tate

#catherine-tate #comedian #humor #lauren-cooper #humor

Say, darling, I'm giving you this wonderful present, it's a machine that eats at one end and shits out the other, it's going to run for fifteen years, give or take, merry fucking Christmas. ↗

— Stephen King

#humor

Failure: the renewable resource. ↗

— Kay Ryan

#poetry #humor

People ask why are you so strange and I always reply why are you so normal... ↗

— Shadowstorm Norwicca

#shadowstorm #humor

We just lost our electricity. You want to tell me what’s so funny about that?” “It’s not exactly funny. It’s more of a good news/bad news situation.” “In that case, hit me with the good news first.” “They’re both sort of rolled up into one.” “Stop stalling.” “All right. Now don’t get mad, but . . .” Smothered laughter drifted toward him. “Cal . . . I’m naked. ↗

— Susan Elizabeth Phillips

#ironic #funny

You go girl!! and don't come back ↗

— Happy Bunny

#humor

Complaining is a lot like talking, only more constructive. ↗

— Ariel Leve

#humor