#humor

How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all. ↗

— Gail Carriger

#brain #humor #thinking #humor

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. ↗

— George Carlin

#caterpillars #humor #injustice #work #humor

I think they were afraid that some of us would try to kill ourselves or something because they looked very tense and one of them kept touching his beard. ↗

— Stephen Chbosky

#humor

Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have. For instance, if you wake up to the sound of twittering birds, and find yourself in an enormous canopy bed, with a butler standing next to you holding a breakfast of freshly made muffins and hand-squeezed orange juice on a silver tray, you will know that your day will be a splendid one. If you wake up to the sound of church bells, and find yourself in a fairly big regular bed, with a butler standing next to you holding a breakfast of hot tea and toast on a plate, you will know that your day will be O.K. And if you wake up to the sound of somebody banging two metal pots together, and find yourself in a small bunk bed, with a nasty foreman standing in the doorway holding no breakfast at all, you will know that your day will be horrid. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#mornings #humor

Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn't the faintest idea what the heck is really going on. ↗

— Mike Royko

#humor #humor

You, Ms. Lane, are a menace to others! A walking, talking catastrophe in pink! ↗

— Karen Marie Moning

#humor

We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass. ↗

— Natsuki Takaya

#humor #manga #natsuki-takaya #shigure #humor

Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right? ↗

— Bill Hicks

#humor #spirituality #humor

I was supposed to write a romantic comedy, but my characters broke up. ↗

— Ann Brashares

#writing #humor

I like the sound of that, crashing Monica's party," he glanced at Michael, then quickly away. "What about you? That break some kind of vampire rules or something?" "Blow me Shane." "Boys," Eve said primly. "Language. Minor at the table." "Well," Shane said, "I wasn't actually planning to do it." Claire rolled her eyes. "Not like it's the first time I've heard it. Or said it." "You shouldnt say it," Michael said, all seriousness. "No, I mean it. Girls should say 'eat me' not 'blow me'. Wouldn't recommend 'bite me' though. Not around here. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#humor