#humor

50 bucks sounds fair to me. Especially since I’m not doing anything to earn it.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#earn #fair #fairness #funny #humor

I mumble my vows, Shad mutters his, and I wonder what would happen if I lunged for the door like a wild animal seeking its freedom. I could probably outrun his one-legged friend, but Shad has something of the greyhound about him. ↗

— Janet Mullany

#freedom

Take a guy who can walk on water, who can raise people from the dead, who can look at you and tell you what you had for breakfast...if a guy like that can't find twelve trustworthy mates, who can? Stop at eleven and call it done, that's the moral of that story. ↗

— Liam Perrin

#friendship #humor #leadership #friendship

Even quilters have cliques! I can't stop picturing Regina George, fifty years later, instructing her minions that 'On Wednesdays, we wear pink. ↗

— Rachel Bertsche

#humor #friendship

I wush for his own sake that he'd have a big steaming cup of calm the hell down. ↗

— C.J. Daugherty

#humor

I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny-and-random #humor #sleep #funny

When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass! ↗

— Julie Halpern

#humor #funny

Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one. ↗

— Tina Fey

#humor #whitney-houston #funny

Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #funny

If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #shark #funny