#humor

The kakapo is a bird out of time. If you look one in its large, round, greeny-brown face, it has a look of serenely innocent incomprehension that makes you want to hug it and tell it that everything will be all right, thought you know that it probably will not be. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#kakapo #science #humor

Justin: "Say hi to Paul Thompson for me," he added. Madeline: "Garrlgh," I gagged. The corner of his lips curled up. Justin: "What was that?" Madeline: "That was vomit creeping up the back of my mouth when you mentioned Paul's name. ↗

— Katie Kacvinsky

#humor

My high school guidance counselor, Mrs. Inverholl, once had me take an aptitude test to figure out my future. The number one job recommendation for my set of skills was an air traffic accident investigator, of which there are fewer than fifty in the world. The number two job was a museum curator for Chinese-American studies. The number three job was a circus clown. ↗

— Jodi Picoult

#jobs #humor

Off with their heads!" the woman screamed. "Off with their stinking, boring heads!"" Redd, The Looking Class Wars ↗

— Frank Beddor

#humor

You know i don't like you, right?" "You've made that very clear, yes." said Magwich. "Well" Charles continued, "whenever we've met, you've demonstrated all the qualities i don't want to have. And I try to better myself so I don't become like you. So in a way..." "My bad example is making you a better person?" finished Magwich. "something like that." said Charles. "If it wasn't for people like you, I don't think I would try so hard. And honestly, you're the worst i've ever encountered." "Oh, you're just saying that." said Magwich. "No, I really mean it. ↗

— James Owen

#humor

If you sense that someone feels disconnected, reach out to them," the speaker urges. "buy them a soda. Compliment their new hairdo. It'll make them feel better, and you'll feel better knowing you've been a channel of grace." Jolene leans over and whispers, "My pen is feeling disconnected. Will you be a channel of grave and get it for me?" ********** Chelsea, quit picking at your scab," a girl in front of me says to her friend as we file out. "It's gross." Then she gasps in mock horror. "Or maybe it's a cry for help! Be strong, Chelsea! Stay with the living! ↗

— Lauren Myracle

#humor

[Kirk] paced back toward his command chair, all eyes on him. "He must have a weakness." "Certainly," Chekov said. "Is he not basically humanoid? He could be poisoned, phasered, stabbed-" Kirk sneered. "Without killing him, Ensign." With a shrug, Chekov turned quietly back to his console, pulling his hands from his lap and placing them on the controls. ↗

— Dave Galanter

#humor #humour #kirk #star-trek #humor

...Right now there's a pair of bad cops on their way out here to shoot me." "You don't know that." "Yeah, you're right," Stranahan said. "They're probably just collecting Toys for Tots. Now go. ↗

— Carl Hiaasen

#humor #humor

I'm tired of being scared, and I know you are too. Not that there isn't alot to be scared of in this world today, between the non-stop headlines about wars and nuclear power plants and terrorists and assasinations and civil unrest and economic uncertainty and political doublespeak and insane weather and an environment that's becoming unhealthier by the day. But a point comes when it's too much to deal with, and thinking about it accomplishes nothing more than sending you to bed with a cold cloth on your head. ↗

— Sylvia Browne

#mind-body-spirit #humor

It was no mean trick doing the wiring with those mittens on. But I managed it and crawled out, batting spiders into the shadows. I could hear a thud as they hit the floor joists, then a scuttling sound, then, worst of all, the silence of spiders. ↗

— Bailey White

#spiders #humor