#humor

How does knowing 'things could be worse' than what I already deem is awful make me feel any better? You mean I could sink even lower? Oh joy! ↗

— Richelle E. Goodrich

#pessimism #richelle #richelle-goodrich #sarcasm #sarcasm-humor

Then I yelled through his door, "It's an anniversary gift for you, asshole. Two whole weeks early. FIFTEEN YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS. ↗

— Jenny Lawson

#humor

Who's Magnus?" Max inquired "He's a warlock," said Alec "A sexy, sexy warlock," Isabelle told Max. "But warlocks are bad," protested Max "Exactly". ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor

I think it's a rule that it's socially acceptable to wet yourself when aliens enter your mind for the first time. If it wasn't already, it is now. ↗

— Orson Scott Card

#humor #xenology #humor

He usually gets what he wants. And what he wants is to keep you safe. He really cares about you, you know.” Her chest constricted with a strange combination of pleasure and pain. She tried to cover her emotions with a playful shrug. “Well, of course he does—I mean, what’s not to like? I make incredibly bad, impulsive decisions. Plus, I’m lame, scarred, and crazy—the whole package. ↗

— Kathryn Knight

#humor #kathryn-knight #humor

Be careful what you wear to bed, because you never know where you might wake up. ↗

— Ridley Pearson

#humorous #inspirational #keepers #humor

The others can’t see me,” said the little ghost. “I know,” I said. “My name’s Gwyneth. What’s yours?” “Dr. White to you,” said Dr. White. “I’m Robert,” said the ghost. “That’s a very nice name,” I said. “Thank you,” said Dr. White. “I’ll return the compliment by saying you have very nice veins. ↗

— Kerstin Gier

#humor #humor

Whoever this man was, he seemed to have less life than anyone in the cemetery. Above or below ground. ↗

— Anthony Horowitz

#humor

I hate those TV shows where characters talk about one thing, such as their patient on the operation table (let's say they're a doctor), then you realize they're actually talking about actually talking about themselves. The patient's open-heart surgery is nothing compared to their own messed-up heart or whatever. It's selfish. And means they're not concentrating, which is medical negligence. ↗

— Jaclyn Moriarty

#tv-show-doctors #humor

Watch out for that pedestrian! It's on the street, it knows the risks it's taking! ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#humor