#humor

You’re not useless. You’re a hunky bite of sex and I’m not sure if Dmitri swings both ways. ↗

— Nalini Singh

#humor

I nodded, disappointed, but then I got an idea. "Hey, Grover. You want a magic item?" His eyes lit up. "Me?" Pretty soon we'd laced the sneakers over his fake feet, and the world's first flying goat boy was ready for launch. "Maia!" he shouted. He got off the ground okay, but then fell over sideways so his backpack dragged through the grass. The winged shoes kept bucking up and down like tiny broncos. "Practice," Chiron called after him. "You just need practice!" "Aaaaa!" Grover went flying sideways down the hill like a possessed lawn mower, heading toward the van. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor #launch #humor

Those are some of the most powerful people in the world, and you swamped them in sewage! If you had real friends, they'd have told you that you're an idiot for even thinking about doing that!" Tom bristled, indignant. "My friends do tell me I'm an idiot. All the time! ↗

— S.J. Kincaid

#humor

Finally I knelt on the bed and placed my hand on his back. I patted awkwardly, hoping that was protocol for when someone was sobbing their eyes out. "hey." pat, pat. "It's okay. We'll bust out of here before they tag us." pat, pat, pat. I felt lame ↗

— Elana Johnson

#humor

I'm working from the assumption it's going to go horribly wrong. If we get out of here with limbs intact and no aspen slivers in uncomfortable places, we're calling it a win." Merit/Jonah ↗

— Chloe Neill

#sarcasm #humor

Add children to the list of things I hate. ↗

— Lauren Morrill

#humor #humor

I may not know much, but I know chicken shit from chicken salad. ↗

— Lyndon B. Johnson

#humor

loneliness can fly a helicopter through a cut-out shape of a helicopter the same size as the helicopter and that's it's only skill and it isn't good enough but it's still amazing. ↗

— Tao Lin

#loneliness #poetry #skill #humor

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried. ↗

— David Brent

#success #humor

Being six feet off the ground does give one a sense of superiority. ↗

— Megan Whalen Turner

#superiority #humor