#humor

No time better than the present,’ I always say. Or was that, ‘Nothing is better than a present’? I forget. ↗

— Kaza Kingsley

#present #time #humor

The End of the Raven "On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for. Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven, Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door. 'Raven's very tasty,' thought I, as I tiptoed o'er the floor. 'There is nothing I like more.' [...] Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents' worth -- 'Nevermore.' While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up, Then I crouched and quickly leapt up, pouncing on the feathered bore. Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore -- Only this and not much more. ↗

— Henry N. Beard

#edgar-allan-poe #humor #raven #humor

Graveyards were the one place Belladonna never saw ghosts. ↗

— Helen Stringer

#graveyards #humor #humor

It must've been Albert's military background, because man, when he dropped a bomb the entire country shook. I was still jittery as a hurricane survivor in New Orleans, and I was sure that somewhere in Alaska some poor Inuit had just taken a tumble from his sled for the very same reason. ↗

— Jennifer Rardin

#humor

Magnanimous of you.' His mouth twitched. 'Mmm. Use more words like that, please. Schoolmistress words. Long, impressive ones.' He'd made the last three words sound like an innuendo. ↗

— Julie Anne Long

#humorous #humor

Are you fighting evil tonight?...Then you are doing the Lord's work. Shut the fuck up. ↗

— James R. Tuck

#humor

A—ris—ta?” Degan asked, sounding horse. “What is it?” “A rat bit me,” she said, once again shocked by her own rasping voice. “Jasper does that if—” Gaunt coughed and hacked. After a moment, he spoke again. “If he thinks you’re dead or too weak to fight.” “Jasper?” “I call him that, but I’ve also named the stones in my cell.” “I only counted mine,” Arista said. “Two hundred and thirty-four,” Degan replied instantly. “I have two hundred and twenty-eight.” “Did you count the cracked ones as two?” “No. ↗

— Michael J. Sullivan

#humor #prisoners #humor

We even talked like Hemingway characters, though in travesty, as if to deny our discipleship: That is your bed, and it is a good bed, and you must make it and you must make it well. Or: Today is the day of the meatloaf. The meatloaf is swell. It is swell but when it is gone the not-having meatloaf will be tragic and the meatloaf man will not come anymore. ↗

— Tobias Wolff

#humor #imitation #humor

He is teaching them to eat those seeds,” she said through clenched teeth, “out of Raina and Berdine’s hands. The two of them were giggling.” – Cara ↗

— Terry Goodkind

#chipmunks #humor #humor

Somebody stop the world. I'm scared and I want to get off. ↗

— James Delano

#humor #humor