#humor

I was taught that candles are like house cats - domesticated versions of something wild and dangerous. There's no way to know how much of that killer instinct lurks in the darkness. I used to think the house-burning paranoia was the result of some upper-middle-class fear regarding the potential destruction of a half-million-dollar Westchester house the size of a matchbox. But then I realized the fear stemmed from something far less complex: we're not used to fire. Candles are a staple of the Judaic existence and, like many suburban residents before us, we're pretty bad Jews. ↗

— Sloane Crosley

#jewish #humor

There are three things that none of the young men of the present generation can do.They can't sit over their wine;they can't play at wist;and they can't pay a lady a compliment. ↗

— Wilkie Collins

#men #humor

Certainly no one has ever died of an unrequited passion—it's usually the ones that are requited that get people in trouble. ↗

— Mercedes Lackey

#relationships #unrequited-love #humor

Zane wondered if Ty was a mama‟s boy. He tipped his head to the side, watching them as he picked out a piece of warm bread, and thought maybe so. Not that he would ever voice that opinion to Ty until he was good and ready to die. ↗

— Madeleine Urban Abigail Roux

#humor

Ethan: "You think I'm a hero?" Beth: "Yes." Ethan: "But lousy husband material?" Like that really mattered to him. Beth: "Don't sweat it. So was Superman. ↗

— Lucy Monroe

#humor #lucy-monroe #marriage #humor

Name three types of olives." "Olives! I wouldn't know one type!" "Well, there are three. You can get green ones, you can get black ones, or you can get stuffed. ↗

— John Marsden

#humor

We began to butterfly kiss, which is when you touch your eyelashes to the other person's skin. I was going to respect Edwart's desire to wait, and he was going to respect my desire for winged creatures. ↗

— The Harvard Lampoon

#humor

Don't talk for five minutes, there's a good chap! I've a strange feeling come over me--almost as if I were going to think! ↗

— Aleister Crowley

#humour #humor

I deciced if I were ever to get into booze and women, my line would be, 'Excuse me, madam, but I would really love to bed and muss you. . . . Are you perchance free this evening? ↗

— Rachel Cohn

#humor #romance #teen #humor

I quite agree with Dr. Nordau's assertion that all men of genius are insane, but Dr. Nordau forgets that all sane people are idiots. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#humor #humor