#humor

Overhead announcement at psychiatric hospital: Lithium is no longer available on credit. ↗

— Earl Mac Rauch

#humor #humor

I dont suppose i can wear my flamingo tie" "it's a bit festive,given the occastion" "Cant wear it to the opera","Cant wear it to a funeral. Cant use it to hang myself. it's a bit useless, as ties go. ↗

— John Green

#humor

One has to be proactive in warding off ugly, and that costs money. ↗

— Kristin Billerbeck

#humor

Duncan,we're still in prison," Frederic said dryly. "You're not going to see anything except this cell. Which has spiders, by the way. Have you noticed the spiders?" "Indeed I have: Carmen, Zippy, and Dr. T," Duncan said. ↗

— Christopher Healy

#humor

I paused in the act of opening the door and looked at him with what were probably cartoon-wide eyes. "Wait a second," I said. "So, you're best friends with a hot vampire chick who likes leather." "Yeah." "And together, you fight crime?" I couldn't help it. I cracked up. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#humor #shane-collins #humor

Do you sometimes wish you could fast-forward a week? You know something bad's coming up, and you know you'll get through it, but the prospect just makes you feel sick. I worried for about thirty minutes, and though I knew there was no point in doing so, I could feel my anxiety twisting me up in a knot. 'Bullshit,' I told myself stoutly. 'This is utter bullshit. ↗

— Charlaine Harris

#humor #humor

I spend the rest of the night doing schoolwork. After striking a match and lighting a candal, I sit down at my desk with my quill pen and parchment to write an essay for my ethics class on the legalities of fan fiction. ↗

— Fanny Merkin

#humor

Maybe you’re sleepwalking. And sleeptexting. And sleepprimping.” “What’s next?” I grumbled to myself. Things were getting more out of control by the minute. “I don’t know,” she said, straightening up and tucking her phone into the waistband of her leggings. “Just don’t start sleepfucking. ↗

— Karina Halle

#experience

If you can't forgive and forget, then pick one and do it ... ↗

— James Brault

#forgiveness #humor #forgiveness

When I blow my trumpet to signal the glorious new morning, my cheeks bulge like two scoops of vanilla. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #ice-cream #trumpets #funny