#humour

Anybody else wanna pee their pants and cry for mommy? ↗

— James Dashner

#the-scorch-trials-humour #trials

I think we should take a break, fill our little tummies and drink up. ↗

— James Dashner

#the-scorch-trials-humour #trials

The man had a smooth voice, like velvet. “I’m Detective Inspector Me. Unusual name, I know. My family were incredibly narcissistic. I’m lucky I escaped with any degree of humility at all, to be honest, but then I’ve always managed to exceed expectations. You are Kenny Dunne, are you not?” “I am.” “Just a few questions for you, Mr Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we’ve become friends these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?” “Sure,” Kenny said, slightly baffled. “Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s important you feel comfortable around me, Kenny. It’s important we build up a level of trust. That way I’ll catch you completely unprepared when I suddenly accuse you of murder. ↗

— Derek Landy

#death-bringer #humour #murder #death

With him big Phil from Notting Hill an old "face" from the sixties a pin up gangster with a "mars bar" weal scraping his left cheek and of course two "wag" slags in tow trussed up like French Poodles with "Bratz babe" stares and Gucci Handbags ↗

— Saira Viola

#crime #humour #post-modern #satire #satire

If they projected the fact that they are dangerous any harder, there would be little puddles of "danger" on the floor around them. Look, it's "danger", don't step in it! ↗

— Mercedes Lackey

#satire #t-fyrr #satire

Religion and nationalism? I defecate on the altar of religious conviction, and wipe my arse on the flag of national pride. ↗

— Ian Martin

#fiction #social-satire #south-africa #religion

Now wait a second..." Kenneth butted in. "Yeah, we haven't asked you the questions yet," Brandon finished for Kenneth. "Yeah, like what are your intentions toward our little Ryan," Patrick added, smirking. "What do you do for a living?" Brandon added. "Can you support Ryan's shoe fetish?" Kenneth threw his question in too. "Hmm, okay, here are my answers. I plan on feeding him, dancing with him and God willing fucking him until he can't walk straight. I help infertile chickens have baby chickens, and I think so. I'm hoping his feet are about my size. We can share shoes and everything," Phillip answered. ↗

— Crystal Rose

#humour #gay

Ladies, we are at a massive disadvantage in the workplace. Your male peers are flirting with their male bosses constantly. The average workplace is like f*cking Bromancing the Stone. That’s basically what male bonding is. Flirting. They’re flirting with each other playing golf, they’re flirting with each other going to the football, they’re flirting with each other chatting at the urinals – and, sadly, flirting with each other in after-hours visits to strip clubs and pubs. They are bonding with each other over their biological similarities. If the only way you can bond with them is over you biological differences, you go for it. Feel pressurised to actually f*ck them if you do? Then don’t flirt. Find it an easy way to just crack on? Then crack on – and don’t blame other women for doing it. ↗

— Caitlin Moran

#humour #biology

I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever. ↗

— Karl Pilkington

#biology #humour #scientific-research #biology

By the way, only a real man can accept his feminine side." "I don't know who fed you that line of garbage, but I can promise she's laughing at you right now. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#seduction