#id

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#building #choose #down #elevator #escalator

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#asked #clothing #i #into #lady

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' ↗

— Demetri Martin

#dude #ever #fine #gonna #i

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#bird #child #door #glass #running

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' ↗

— Demetri Martin

#computer #cool #forceful #get #help

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#bar #council #even #high #high school

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#definitely #draw #drawings #drew #grade

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#because #fun #funny #go #i

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#because #california #i #i always #kid

And the young people in the 1960's identified with it immediately, because, I guess the young people had been having years of repression really. They felt that the, you know, after the war everything was very austere, particularly in Europe. ↗

— George Martin

#austere #because #been #europe #everything