#jo

You can share in my joy, but I don’t want to share my misery. No, I want to give away my misery. Go ahead, take it all.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #joy #miserable #misery #selfish

I feel like grabbing my crotch and checking to see if my balls are still there because I think they may be in her pocket and I need to get them back. ↗

— Katja Millay

#humor #josh-bennett #nastya-kashnikov #humor

↑ top up position down The fact that I suspect I'm an asshole means I probably am not, because a real asshole doesn't think he's an asshole, does he? Therefore, by realizing that I'm an asshole, I am in fact negating that very realization, am I not? Descartes's Asshole Axiom: I think I am; therefor I'm not one. ↗

— Jonathan Tropper

#humor #jonathan-tropper #humor

Roger said, 'I don't know about having a shrink around all the time. Are you analyzing me right now?' Sophie rolled her eyes. 'How original. No, I'm not analyzing you. It'd take a whole team of shrinks to figure out your crazy ass, and I simply don't have the time or energy. ↗

— Jennifer Lane

#new-job #psychologist #romance #romantic-suspense #with-good-behavior

Joke exchanges are carried on in deadly earnest, like a verbal duel-mouth-to-mouth combat. Bang, bang: you’re (linguistically) dead. ↗

— David Crystal

#jokes #language-play #humor

If she’d been born at the right time they would have burned her over in Salem. ↗

— John Updike

#comic #humor #john-updike #humor

Sunrises and sunsets are real jerks about putting things in perspective. ↗

— Josh Lieb

#josh-lieb #humor

Is this the reality you wanted? ↗

— Jonghyun

#jonghyun #k-pop #reality #shinee #humor

My sex life is okay." "Yeah," Morelli said. "But sometimes it's fun to have a partner. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#joe-morelli #stephanie-plum #humor

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live... ↗

— David Sedaris

#funny #humor #joke #funny