#les

I want to have breasts the size of Florida, so that people might see me at Ponte Vedra beach and gasp, “Look at the size of his Naples! ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#florida #funny #naples #ponte-vedra #funny

You know, I don’t get why Fred and George only got three O.W.L.s each,” said Harry, watching as Fred, George, and Lee collected gold from the eager crowd. “They really know their stuff. . . .” “Oh, they only know flashy stuff that’s no real use to anyone,” said Hermione disparagingly. “No real use?” said Ron in a strained voice. “Hermione, they’ve got about twenty-six Galleons already. . . . ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#funny #george-weasley #useless-talents #funny

As a salesman, it’s not enough to be able to sell a toilet to a man who’s got to pee. You’ve got to make him pay you for the privilege of pissing his pants. Don’t sell him a toilet. Don’t sell him pants. Sell him a privilege. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#privilege #salesman #sell #funny

Kicking a police car? Really?' Caleb shrugged. 'Car offended me. It was sitting right where I wanted to stand. What would you do? ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#dark-hunter #funny #nhumour #funny

I didn't really know what I wanted to do, and then I got this call from a casting director in Los Angeles. She remembered me from something years before, and she called my mom wanting me to audition for this thing. ↗

— Scott Speedman

#audition #before #call #called #casting

Speaking of… does this mean you get your phone back?” I shrug. “I don’t really want that phone back. I’m hoping my whipped boyfriend will get me an iPhone for Christmas. ↗

— Colleen Hoover

#dean-holder #funny #hopeless #iphone #sky-and-dean

Most neuroses and some psychoses can be traced to the unnecessary and unhealthy habit of daily wallowing in the troubles and sins of five billion strangers. ↗

— Robert A. Heinlein

#friendship #internet #news #social-networking #friendship

We look forward to seeing all of your Vaseline coated smiles terribly soon. ↗

— Gitty Daneshvari

#smiles #smiling #funny

Cat's friends seemed like very sweet girls," Dad says. "They were the bomb," I say fervently, and he looks back at me with raised eyebrows. "'The bomb' is a good thing? Like 'sick'? "Duh," I reply, and Dad lets out a sigh. "Thirteen-year-olds should come with subtitles," he says, turning onto our street. ↗

— Maya Gold

#language #oldies #sick #subtitles #youngsters

You sense my loneliness, (...) my bitterness at being shut out of life. My bitterness that I'm evil, that I don't deserve to be loved and yet I need love hungrily. My horror that I can never reveal myself to mortals. But these things don't stop me, Mother. I'm too strong for them to stop me. As you said yourself once, I am very good at being what I am. These things merely now and then make me suffer, that's all ↗

— Anne Rice

#life