#m

My marriage is crumbling and this hat is all I have left in the world - aside from my brilliant wit, my dastardly good looks, and my charming accent. ↗

— Bauvard

#hats #humor #marriage #funny

When wearing a loincloth is not customary, it is risque. Being old-fashioned never goes out of style. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #loincloths #old-fashioned #style #underwear

V.L.A.D.: Vampire League Against Discrimination. ↗

— Carrie Vaughn

#funny #humor #vampires #vlad #funny

If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal.
 ↗

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#funny #humor #love #medal #silver-medal

I did not approve of your action—I was merely congratulating myself. What you mistook for clapping was merely me giving myself multiple high fives.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#applaud #applause #approve #clap #clapping

Remember, I'm the only person her who's paid to be nice to you. But not too nice. Give me any lip and I'll break your face. OK? ↗

— Orson Scott Card

#science #violence #funny

You’ve got a big ego, Fuentes.” “That’s not all I’ve got. ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#humour #romance #young-adult-fiction #young-adult-romance #funny

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a dickhead. Well, I did. ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#humour #romance #young-adult-fiction #young-adult-romance #funny

A brick could be used for pressing grapes into wine, and a magician could then cover up that wine with a blanket and turn wine into water.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A brick is a mythical object that empowers its handler and enables them to conquer the world and control the globe through secret occult knowledge. Just ask the Masons.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny