#m

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#building #choose #down #elevator #escalator

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#except #funeral #i #same #saying

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#confusing #die #fun #i #other

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#asked #clothing #i #into #lady

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#comfortable #gets #i #less #like

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#day #forward #i #looking #looking forward

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#either #government #history #i #improv

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' ↗

— Demetri Martin

#dude #ever #fine #gonna #i

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#anything #dead #done #easy #get

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#bird #child #door #glass #running