#mo

Ranger appeared in the bathroom doorway and I was too relieved to be embarrassed. "I appreciate you coming out in the middle of the night," I said. Ranger smiled. "I didn't want to miss seeing you chained up naked. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#humor

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#gop #humor #politics #republicans #humor

I try to smile at her, but I can't extend my flexibility training to my mouth, it just won't move. ↗

— Steph Campbell

#sadness #sarcasm #humor

Nick‘s eyes widened as a total state of befuddled huh possessed him. Was he in the Twilight Zone? ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#paranormal-fiction #young-adult-fiction #humor

Finnick:" Good to see you, Peeta." Peeta:" You be nice to her, Finnick. Or I might try and take her away from you." It could be a joke, if the tone wasn't so cold. Everything it conveys is wrong. The open distrust of Finnick, the implication that Peeta has his eye on Annie, that Annie could desert Finnick, that I do not even exist. Finnick:"Oh Peeta," says Finnick lightly. "Don't make me sorry I restarted your heart. ↗

— Suzanne Collins

#humor

I had one class in the morning, the mysteriously named "Further Maths". It was two hours long and so deeply frightening that I think I went into a trance. ↗

— Maureen Johnson

#math #humor

Only a female could be as calculating and have the foresight that destiny requires,' the gypsy explained. 'Now fate is a man,' he went on, 'no planning, just go with the flow and see what tomorrow brings. ↗

— Traci Harding

#wisdom #humor

I jog through the halls and then go upstairs to Jane’s locker and carefully slip the note I wrote last night through the vent: To: The Locker Houdini From: Will Grayson Re: An Expert in the Field of Good Boyfriends? Dear Jane, Just so you know: e. e. cummings cheated on both of his wives. With prostitutes. Yours, Will Grayson ↗

— John Green

#humor

Lucien: And Flowers--but only Anya can call me that. William: Fine. I'll call you Roses. Lucien: You won't. William: I will. Zodiac sign, Roses? Lucien: First, how does my woman stand you? Second, I don't think I have a sign. I was created rather than born, and I am unsure of the day, much less the month. William: I'll just mark your sign as "Roses". Choice of weapon, Roses? Lucien: You are a bastard. But I like knives. I like to get up close and personal with my kills. Care for a demonstration? William: Later. What are you looking for in a woman, Roses? Lucien: Why don't I just call you Moron? Anya does..... ↗

— Gena Showalter

#humor

There are more quarrels smothered by just shutting your mouth, and holding it shut, than by all the wisdom in the world. ↗

— Henry Ward Beecher

#peace #quarrel #widom #humor