#mo

Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.
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— Jarod Kintz

#eyes #funny #humor #mustache #mustaches

Captain Jibby looked at the door, clenched his teeth, and worked his face into a scowl so fierce you would think the door had insulted his mother - which, for the record, it had not. ↗

— Cuthbert Soup

#funny #insult #mother #funny

I used to have Santa and the whole coal thing, but between Wade and their father, the little shits get whatever they want. They no longer feel like they need the fat bastard! ↗

— Ethan Day

#humor #funny

A brick could be used like a used car salesman uses people. I know, because I used to sell cars. Well, technically I got fired precisely because I didn’t sell any cars.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

If she kept wondering about how much of her life Bran engineered, she’d end up on a funny farm knitting caps for ducks. ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#anna-cornick #bran-cornick #fair-game #humor #marrok

Boys,” Lindsay agreed, nodding. “What doesn't get lost in translation?” “Things with the letter X in front of them,” Rachel posited. “Like X-Box. And X-rated movies. ↗

— Nenia Campbell

#funny #humor #sex #sexual #funny

Dick called, but he just left dirty voice-mail messages. Let's just say if I'm ever in the market for a massage involving canola oil and marabou feathers, I'm covered. ↗

— Molly Harper

#dirty #funny #jane-jameson #molly-harper #nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs

You want to stab me again, don't you?" He didn't look at all ashamed. "Think of it as testing the limits of your new abilities." I groaned. "I've created a monster." "I don't think someone who recently crawled from the grave should be throwing around labels like 'monster,'" he said, making sarcastic little air-quotes fingers. "It wasn't a grave," I sniffed. "It was a comfy four-poster. ↗

— Molly Harper

#funny #jane-jameson #molly-harper #monster #nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs

Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That's how you can tell I'm inexperienced? Because, if so, that's just rude. And what were you doing at Shenanigans? And how did you find me on the road?" Gabriel looked wounded. "To answer your questions in order: The only body fluid I exchanged with you is blood--" "That's very comforting, thank you. ↗

— Molly Harper

#gabriel #jane-jameson #molly-harper #nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs #questions

I want to live in a mansion, wear nice suits, and get paid to have my boss grovel at my feet. I want to be the butler to a sycophant. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #sycophancy #funny