#mo

and tell him to paint me a sign, with-"no suicides permitted here, and no smloing in the parlor;" might as well kill both birds at once. ↗

— Herman Melville

#humor

They follow meaningless, boring rules and live meaningless, boring lives." Ahh," I say. "Except for you, of course." That's right." Because you eat butter straight from the pan." She arches her eyebrows, like Hey, I call it like I see it. Whatever," I say. "I'm not going to eat Snoopy just to make a statement. ↗

— Lauren Myracle

#snoopy #statement #humor

For some the journey of highschool was probably pleasent or easy like swimming down a stream or walking down the street, but for me it was like climbing up a muddy hill ... while its raining ... with no shoes. ↗

— Elizabeth S Rolph

#humor

Speak your mind, but ride a very fast horse!! ↗

— John Wain

#humor

I cried because I had no wallet, until I met a man who had no money. I don’t know why he had no money, because that man stole my wallet.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#crying #humor #money #steal #stolen

We love reproducing. It’s one of our favorite things. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#dystopia #human-nature #humor #reproduction #shadowhunters

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa. ↗

— Ricky Gervais

#christianity #comedy #humor #humour #rationality

Straightening, I asked, "What do you believe in?" "Old love songs, best friends, the collected works of J.R.R.Tolkien, crispy pork egg rolls with just the right amount of grease, the Big Boss and eternity." "The Big Boss?" Zachary pointed up, as if to heaven. "Pious,"I teased. ↗

— Cynthia Leitich Smith

#best-friends #humor #humor

God, I’ve just figured out what’s missing – you ditched the hallowed Albermarle Teddy Bear!’ I nodded.   ‘Banished to a dark cupboard for all eternity.’ ‘You cold-hearted bastard.’ ‘Give me a hot water bottle any day.   At least they have some appreciable function.   Not like that pathetic pile of overpriced fake fur and anthropomorphic bullshit I locked in the wardrobe.’ ‘You have serious teddy bear issues. ↗

— Tabitha McGowan

#humor

Did she go postal?” Russell grins at him, “You know, for pullin’ her portal on the island and sendin’ her to your safe house before the fight?” “Define postal?” Zephyr counters, his brows pulling together further. “Insanely angry,” Russell says. “Yes,” Zephyr nods his head adamantly, pointing at him. “She has not called me ‘sweetie’ since.” “Oooo,” Russell says, ducking his head and wrinkling his nose. “Doghouse. ↗

— Amy A. Bartol

#humor