#mo

Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool. ↗

— Stephenie Meyer

#dawn #humor #jacob #mirror #rosalie

Where is Wood?" said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn't there. "Still in the showers," said Fred. "We think he's trying to drown himself. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor

I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#friendship #hilarious #humor #punch #ravings

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. ↗

— Dorothy Parker

#humor #money #humor

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also. ↗

— Mark Twain

#philosophy #religion #humor

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER. ↗

— Groucho Marx

#clubs #humor #membership #humor

But-" Maia, still looking at Alec and Magnus, broke off and rasied her eyebrows. Simon turned to see what she was looking at - and stared. Alec had his arms around Magnus and was kissing him full on the mouth. Magnus, who appeared to be in a state of shock, stood frozen. Several groups of people - Shadowhunters and Downworlders alike - were staring and whispering. Glancing to the side, Simon saw the Lightwoods, their eyes widen, gaping at the display. Maryse had her hand over her mouth. Maia looked perplexed. "Wait a second," she said. "Do we all have to do that, too? ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor #mortal-instruments #humor

When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles... ...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle. ↗

— Dr. Seuss

#humor #humor

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster. ↗

— Isaac Asimov

#writing #humor

Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared. ↗

— Suzanne Collins

#collins #humor #katniss #humor