#mo

What in the name of Zeus's testicles? ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humor

I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor

You think I gave you crack?" "Maybe." Is there anything about me that screams crack?" He grinned as he swayed. "Your butt crack," he whispered before dissolving into giggles. ↗

— T.J. Klune

#humor

Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool. ↗

— William Shakespeare

#fool #humor #labels #olivia #twelfth-night

Some days you're Superman, some days you're Clark Kent. ↗

— Liza Palmer

#humor

Good evening, gentlemen!' said the vampire. 'Please pay attention. I am a reformed vampire, which is to say, I am a bundle of repressed instincts held together with spit and coffee. It would be wrong to say that violent, tearing carnage does not come easily to me. It's not tearing your throats out that doesn't come easily to me. Please don't make it any harder. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #vampires #humor

Carlisle says Siobhan's super power was the ability to do whatever the hell she wanted. I swear, that's what Carlisle says. Her super power was the ability to will something into existence. Siobhan wanted the vampire Maggie to stick around with her and Liam, and, POOF, Maggie did, all because Siobhan wanted it. Dr. Cullen theorizes that Bella has a similar power. She's not acting like a typical newborn vampire because Bella decided not to be a typical newborn vampire. That thud you heard was my brain trying to make a run for it and slamming into my skull. Also, you may hear soft weeping. I'm still crying. ↗

— Dan Bergstein

#humor #parody #humor

On being told he is "disgustingly drunk".. "My dear, you are ugly, and what's more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly. ↗

— Winston Churchill

#humor

He was trying to conjure up a succubus." It should be impossible to leer when all you've got is a beak, but the parrot managed it. "That's a female demon what comes in the night and makes mad passionate wossn-" "I've heard of them," said Rincewind. "Bloody dangerous things." The parrot put its head on one side. "It never worked. All he ever got was a neuralger." "What's that?" "It's a demon that comes and has a headache at you. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#discworld #humor #humor