#mo

I stare at him. "Gee, don't feel like you have to sugarcoat it or anything." "Some people need a cold dose of reality to help them focus." "You could have just slapped me." "I considered it. But you hate clichés, and I hate being shot." "Good point. Plus, this is a hospital. Guns are kind of noisy." "Are they? I thought it was just a personal statement on your part, like women who wear too much makeup. ↗

— D.D. Barant

#humor

...to go to a dance with a guy who has all the personality of a serial killer mixed with a sponge. ↗

— J.A. Beard

#humor #the-emerald-city #witty-comebacks #humor

What I know now is that gallant young men rarely get pussy. Put it on a sampler and hang it in your kitchen. ↗

— Stephen King

#humorous #sex #men

What the hell are you doing here? You weren't on the guest list. Hell, you people aren't on anybody's guest list. If you turned up at a funeral, the corpse would walk out on you. ↗

— Simon R. Green

#humour #humor

Could it be? Samantha Kingston? Home? On a Friday?” I roll my eyes. “I don’t know. Did you do a lot of acid in the sixties? Could be a flashback.” “I was two years old in 1960. I came too late for the party.” He leans down and pecks me on the head. I pull away out of habit. “And I’m not even going to ask how you know about acid flashbacks.” “What’s an acid flashback?” Izzy crows. “Nothing,” my dad and I say at the same time, and he smiles at me. ↗

— Lauren Oliver

#humorous #parents-and-children #humor

When I write after dark", observed Cyril Connolly, "the shades of evening scatter their purple through my prose ↗

— Anne Fadiman

#essays #humor #night #humor

The past haunts the present in more ways than we think. It certainly scares the living daylights out of ME"~ Old Wrinkly ↗

— Cressida Cowell

#humor #past #humor

Nancy Herman, my new gym partner and locker neighbor, puts her hand on my shoulder and whispers, "Don't worry April. I have foot fungus too. ↗

— Amy Holder

#humor

They can afford to smile because they all have teeth so dazzling if they dropped them in the snow they'd be lost forever. ↗

— Frank McCourt

#humor

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people ↗

— Benny Bellamacina

#humor #humour #life #philosophy #sports