#mo

Don't mess with me, Calvin. You'll only get hurt. ↗

— Susan Elizabeth Phillips

#humor

You is getting nosier than a parker. ↗

— Roald Dahl

#humor #humor

But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land." (Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots) ↗

— Dave Barry

#humor

Hallo, Eeyore." "Same to you, Pooh Bear, and twice on Thursdays," said Eeyore gloomily. Before Pooh could say: 'Why Thursdays?' Christopher Robin began to explain the sad story of Eeyore's lost house. ↗

— A.A. Milne

#humor

George pulled my hand away and inspected the wound. He frowned. "Sarah, honey, what happened?" I cleared my throat. "I fell on some barecue prongs. ↗

— Michelle Rowen

#humor

We Slytherins are brave, yes, but not stupid. For instance, given the choice, we will always choose to save our own necks. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#slytherin #humor

Sarcasm is when you tell someone the truth by lying on purpose. ↗

— Chuck Klosterman

#humor #lies #lying #sarcasm #truth

Wait!" Conrad said. "Did someone... one of my enemies set this fire?" Nix turned back with a grin. "Unless you'd pissed off some wirring-hungry nutrias, then I'm going with no. ↗

— Kresley Cole

#funny

I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #writing #funny

Almost only counts in hand grenades and horseshoes. ↗

— Karen Marie Moning

#humor