#ny

Do you need help with anything?" he asked with a wicked arched brow. "Maybe with cookies for Santa." Scowling because no one was here but us, I said, "You're a bit late for that. Santa already came." He hadn't moved, but I knew better than to think he would. Flynn was a pro at filling the bubble air space that was meant to be private and personal. "And were you a good girl?" he asked. Awkwardly folding my arms over my chest, I said, "Not sure, I haven't checked. But you needn't look. We all know you are all bad." Laughing, he said, "Yeah, well, there are other things worth unwrapping." Grinding my teeth, I asked, "What, you didn't get your Ho, Ho, Ho, last night?" Tossing back another full belly laugh, he said, "You know you're kind of funny when you want to be. ↗

— Shannon Dermott

#extra #mercy-s-pov #funny

You can't trust vampires, trust me ↗

— Stephenie Meyer

#movie-quote #new-moon #twilight #twilight-quote #funny

My mother, my psychiatrist and an assortment of sedatives eventually convinced me I was delusional. ↗

— Wayne Gerard Trotman

#delusions #drugs #funny-quotes #mother #psychiatrist

Graves leaned forward, eyeing me. “Hey, Dru. You were French-kissing a winged snake. Creeptastic. ↗

— Lili St. Crow

#paranormal #ya #funny

My facial hair is imperative. I put the must in mustache.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #imperative #mustache #funny

I killed him, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed every second of every month of the torture process. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #torture #funny

Then it suddenly and theatrically began to clean itself in the way cats do when they want you to know what a big deal you aren't. ↗

— Adam Rex

#funny #funny

Underwater, bubbles erupted before my eyes as a swift hand snatched my arm and pulled me to the surface. I gasped for air, coughing and gagging at the amount of water I sucked into my lungs by pure shock. What was up with me and breathing in water? I needed to grow some gills or something. ↗

— Laura Kreitzer

#fiction #funny #gills #humor #kreitzer

Olgun! Wake up!" Her mind was filled with a sense of self-righteous and vaguely drowsy protest. "Sure you weren't, she needled at him. You were just practicing snoring, so you'd be sure to get it right later on, yes?" Olgun's response very strongly resembled an indignant snort. ↗

— Ari Marmell

#funny

They were exactly the same morons that laugh like hyenas in the movies at stuff that isn't funny. I swear to God, if I were a piano player or an actor or something and all those dopes thought I was terrific, I'd hate it. I wouldn't even want them to clap for me. People always clap for the wrong things. ↗

— J.D. Salinger

#morons #people #popularity #funny