#ny

Besides, do you think you would have come if I’d just popped into your tattoo shop one night around closing and said, ‘Hello, I’m the Prince of Darkness. Think you could help me out with a little war next Tuesday, say, sixish? ↗

— Richard Kadrey

#lucifer #funny

My Date was waiting for me at the kitchen door, ears perked, tail wagging and bits of wicker clinging to his nose and mouth" --Abby Shaw, Sucker Punched ↗

— Sammi Carter

#dating

Christopher throws dandelion head after dandelion head into his bag. It's getting heavy now and his fingers are stained from the work but there are still so many left to kill. His biggest mistake is giving them names. ↗

— Brian Martinez

#funny #odd #quirky #weeds #funny

A ransom note, the true test of unconditional love. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #kidnapping #love #funny

I was a cool person in college, but now that I’m old I’m just nifty. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #funny

I don’t believe in a lot of phenomena that fall under the term ‘parapsychology.’ Especially that one branch, psychology. You’re going to tell me there’s something inside my head, controlling me? ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #psychology #funny

Miranda: You say you were my guardian angel. Does that mean you watched me all the time? Like when I got my period or doctored a zit or took a shower or- Zachary: I'm an angel, not a Peeping Tom. ↗

— Cynthia Leitich Smith

#funny

PRECOGNITION, TELEPATHY, BULLSHIT! EAT MY DONG, YOU EXTRASENSORY TURKEY! ↗

— Stephen King

#humor #funny

she shall scant show well that now shows best. ↗

— William Shakespeare

#jealousy #funny

The great William Shakespeare said, "What's in a name?" He also said, "Call me Billy one more time and I will stab you with this ink quill. ↗

— Cuthbert Soup

#name #quill #william-shakespeare #funny