#ny

Funny... I still can't believe in God." "Does that matter now?"..."He believes in you. ↗

— A.J. Cronin

#funny

[...] The alpha-wolf has hurt himself [...]." "What happened to the alpha-wolf?" "LEGOs." "Legos?" It sounded Greek but I couldn't recall anything mythological with that name. Wasnt it an island? "He was carrying a load of laundry into the basement and tripped on the old set of LEGOs his kids left on the stairs. Broke two ribs and an ankle. He'll be out of comission for two weeks." Curran shook his head. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#funny-and-random #kate #funny

(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them? ↗

— Victor Borge

#fat #funny #humor #humorous #opera

I suspect every conductor was once an air traffic controller, but the catastrophe was so terrible that they never speak of it. ↗

— Bauvard

#conductor #funny #humor #jobs #funny

My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

Mustardseed grinned at Bertie. "I was never any good at geometry, but you’re stuck in a love triangle, aren’t you?" "Shut up," she ordered even as Moth asked, "But what if there were four of them?" "That’s a love rectangle, and five people would be a love pentagon." "And what are six people in love?" Cobweb demanded. Mustardseed thought it over a moment. "Manslaughter, I suppose. ↗

— Lisa Mantchev

#cobweb #faires #funny #humor #love-triangles

You're flying Buzz! No Woody we're falling in style! ↗

— Walt Disney Company

#funny-disney #humor #style #funny

I was beginning to think that Simon just had a bad case of OCD, ADD, and PMS. With a little BS and OMG mixed in. ↗

— Dannika Dark

#bs #character #comical #dannika-dark #funny

My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#armpits #bizarre #customer-satisfaction #customers #free

Just this past summer, I took online courses in introductory logic and law through civilization. Often the weight of history, with its facts heaped upon facts requiring complex chains of inference to sort through – I mean complex for someone with the soft brain of a tomato merchant; for me the premises are obvious and the conclusions dire and inescapable – threatened to crush me, and I was ultimately forced to abandon the whole undertaking. By way of recovery, I spent the rest of the summer immersed in a Freudian meditation on some choice tabloids. The mysterious lives of celebrities make for challenging induction. The reasoning process involves navigating many gaps in our knowledge of them. What is certain is that under the iceberg of glitz and glamor lie neurotic, depraved individuals with bizarre habits and hobbies, people who think they’re above the law. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #history #law #neurosis #funny