#comical

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it. ↗

— Carroll Bryant

#funny #funny-humor #humor #humorous #funny

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer. ↗

— Carroll Bryant

#funny #humor #humorous #humorous-quote #funny

Stark raving mad. ↗

— Stieg Larsson

#inspirational #inspirational

I cannot, I cannot,' cried Marianne; 'leave me, leave me, if I distress you; leave me, hate me, forget me! But do not torture me so. Oh! how easy for those who have no sorrow of their own to talk of extertion! ↗

— Jane Austen

#comical #distress #love #torture #anger

We made it back to the airport without getting mugged, stoned, shot at, pounced on, bombed, shelled, garroted, gassed, pitched into, caught in a cross fire, sniped at, blockaded, napalmed, or trip-wired. No one even hit us with a water balloon. ↗

— Daniel Quinn

#funny #humor #ishmael #funny

The look Anthony shot at his sister was so comically malevolent Simon nearly laughed. He managed to restrain himself, but mostly just because he was fairly certain that any show of humor would cause Anthony's fist to lose its battle with his brain, with Simon's face emerging as the conflict's primary casualty. ↗

— Julia Quinn

#humor

Knowledge may be power, but half of what I know I wish I could forget. ↗

— Carroll Bryant

#comical #humor #humorist #humorous #philisophical

The world has held great Heroes, As history-books have showed; But never a name to go down to fame Compared with that of Toad The clever men at Oxford Know all that there is to be knowed. But they none of them knew one half as much As intelligent Mr Toad! The animals sat in the Ark and cried, Their tears in torrents flowed. Who was it said, “There’s land ahead?” Encouraging Mr Toad! The Army all saluted As they marched along the road. Was it the King? Or Kitchener? No. It was Mr Toad! The Queen and her Ladies-in-waiting Sat at the window and sewed. She cried, “Look! who’s that handsome man?” They answered, “Mr Toad. ↗

— Kenneth Grahame

#toad #intelligence

I was beginning to think that Simon just had a bad case of OCD, ADD, and PMS. With a little BS and OMG mixed in. ↗

— Dannika Dark

#bs #character #comical #dannika-dark #funny

...You see I believe in that stuff to: yoga and mystical powers. I once knew a man who could kill himself on command. Can you believe that? . . . Why do you laugh? . . . Believe it! By will of his own mind, he could make his heart stop beating for good' My neighbor poised and looked seriously at me, searching in my eyes. '...You laugh!' he repeated once more… 'You laugh, but he was a master at it! He could commit suicide at his own will!' Indeed, hearty laughter streamed through my nose. 'Could he do it perpetually?' I asked. 'Perpetually...?' My neighbor rubbed his waxy chin. 'I mean, is he still able to do it?' 'I’m not sure I understand.' 'Well? Then is he dead…?!' My neighbor's puzzled face slowly began to transform into a look of realization. 'But sir,' he said, 'Of course he’s dead! I mean to say... this man could kill himself on command, you see. And you don’t come back from the dead!' The two of us found ourselves crossing to the door so I could let my visitor out. I slapped him with friendliness on the shoulder. 'No, you don’t come back from the dead,' I agreed. ↗

— Roman Payne

#death #funny #mind-powers #mystical-powers #mysticism