#ny

Maybe it was me," Grandma said."Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart? ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#granmda-mazur #humor #stephanie-plum #funny

I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with ... G." "Sausages. ↗

— Adam Rex

#funny #i-spy #food

Don't you just hate that, you meet a girl she seems pretty nice, you tell all your friends and before you know it she turns out to be a vampire, don't you just hate it when that happens? ↗

— L.J. Smith

#funny

Jesse, we can’t do this.” “Sure we can, honey. It’s the perfect night for it. You’re a woman, I’m a man. Those little twinkling things overhead are stars. I believe it’s referred to as romance. ↗

— Christine Feehan

#funny

He's wrong he's so he's so wrong he's more wrong than an upside-down rainbow. ↗

— Tahereh Mafi

#somewhat-funny #teensy-bit-sad #wrong #funny

Stroking a blob as it rolled along her face with one hand, and with the other gently grasping a lump on the back of her accident-prone head, I told my sweet sack of potatoes I knew just what she needed. A thermometer reading. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#consolation #funny #thermometer #funny

The x-ray of your skull shows a large, flobby mass floating inside. I have to consult my colleagues to be certain, but it looks like a long sausage snarled into a lump. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #sausage #x-ray #funny

Does the giraffe know what he's for? Or care? Or even think about his place in things? A giraffe has a black tongue twenty-seven inches long and no vocal cords. A giraffe has nothing to say. He just goes on giraffing. ↗

— Robert Fulghum

#giraffe #funny

She tried to smile sympathetically, but with her face it wasn't quite possible. ↗

— Anthony Horowitz

#funny #funny

Oh, I'm good. Seriously, after all these years, you'd think I would stop amazing myself. But here I am, still doing it. ↗

— James Dashner

#conceit #funny #funny