#or

Oh, man," Xavier groaned. "See what you've done--now I'm stressing." "You can't! You're the stable one!" Xavier laughed and I realized his distress had been feigned to illustrate a point. He wasn't worried in the slightest. "Just relax. Go and run a bath or have a shot of brandy." "Okay." "That second bit was a joke. We both know you can't hold your liquor. ↗

— Alexandra Adornetto

#humor #xavier-woods #humor

I'm convinced that responsibility is some kind of psychological disease. ↗

— Brandon Sanderson

#humor #mental #responsibility #humor

This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#happy-end #humor #humor

Everyone knows revenge is a dish best served when you've had enough time to build up enough vitriol and fury. ↗

— Sophie Kinsella

#humor

[I]t is well to have as many holds upon happiness as possible. ↗

— Jane Austen

#jane-austen-literature-humor #humor

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. ↗

— Rita Rudner

#money #humor

Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #pathetic #sunlight #funny

However, because they have no actual interests of their own (or if they do, they squelch them in order to fit in) and merely pursue those that they think will look best on their college apps, they're zombies. ↗

— Meg Cabot

#humor #indiviualism #humor

Smiling always seems to annoy people more than actually insulting them. Or maybe I just have an annoying smile. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humorous #insulting #smiling #humor

I like girls who eat Carrots. ~ Louis Tomlinson ↗

— One Direction

#cute #humor #louis-tomlinson #humor