#p

When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn't try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, "You may regret this," would have been fine. ↗

— Ellen DeGeneres

#funny #past #funny

If the law can be broken it will. Anyone who breaks the law is a risk. You can break the law. So you see, I have to take you in for questioning. This produce stand has an ominous future. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #murphy-s-law #funny

I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me. ↗

— Stephenie Meyer

#funny #twilight #vampire #funny

Things Isabella Wouldn't Care About: - Titanic sinking again. - Metror striking Earth and landing directly on top of world's most innocent panda. - Titanic sinking again and this time the entire crew is puppies. ↗

— Jim Benton

#funny #panda #puppies #titanic #funny

I have a memory like an elephant penis, and it shows. Especially when I wear tight pants. My mind bulges with thoughts of Agatha and I. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #memory #funny

Acting is easy and fun. You earn a lot of money, and you bang out with girls. The profession is given tremendous significance within our society, but it's not really worthy of it. ↗

— James Spader

#bang #earn #easy #fun #given

Every film you work on is different, and that's part of what it's like for anybody who works on a film, is to learn how to work with others. Learn from top to bottom. Actors have to learn how to work with the director and the director has to learn how to work with actors, and that's not just those two departments. ↗

— James Spader

#bottom #departments #different #director #every

But the helmet had gold decoration, and the bespoke armorers had made a new gleaming breastplate with useless gold ornamentation on it. Sam Vimes felt like a class traitor every time he wore it. He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid ornamental armor. It was gilt by association. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #politics #funny

Portrait: a painted picture expressing less words than a photograph, and hence more accurate. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #language #pictures #funny

It is impossible to persuade a man who does not disagree, but smiles. ↗

— Muriel Spark

#disagree #does #impossible #man #persuade