#p

Yeah, I was thinking about taking one of those showers where you huddle in the corner fully clothed and cry," Archer offered. ↗

— Rachel Hawkins

#funny #sophie #funny

Being dead wasn't supposed to hurt. Where was the fairness in that? If I was dead, the least the universe could do was make it painless ↗

— Kiersten White

#funny #kiersten-white #paranormalcy #funny

Nothing is funnier than unhappiness. ↗

— Samuel Beckett

#endgame #funny #unhappiness-nothing #funny

I want the US government to dispense with all the “red tape,” and start using Caution tape. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#caution-tape #funny #government #red-tape #us-government

Sometimes it is only a True Friend who knows what we mean when we try to speak. Somebody who has spent a lot of time with us, and listens carefully to what we are trying to say, and tries to understand. ↗

— Cressida Cowell

#understanding #friendship

There Are Two Typos Of People In This World: Those Who Can Edit And Those Who Can’t ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#editing #funny #people #typo #world

I want to merge a Phoenix with a Camel to create the world's first everlasting cigarette. It'll be a cigarette that rises from its own ashes, so you can keep smoking it indefinitely. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cigarette #everlasting #funny #humor #immortality

He and the girl had almost nothing to say to each other. One thing he did say was, 'I ain't got any tattoo on my back.' 'What you got on it?' the girl said. 'My shirt,' Parker said. 'Haw.' 'Haw, haw,' the girl said politely. ↗

— Flannery O'Connor

#parkers-back #funny

The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg my friends to treat me that well. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#blindfolded #car #friends #friendship #funny

Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM! ↗

— Rick Riordan

#funny #hilarious #humor #laugh-out-loud #name-badge