#pa

I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?" It's offensive. As if I'm going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #grocery-store #humor #paper-or-plastic #funny

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. ↗

— Steven Wright

#paint #world #humor

You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A.M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened. You have to write me a term paper on the look and feel of Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts. Thrity pages, minimum! I want you to do a photo-realistic pencil drawing. A sculpture would also be acceptable. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to write a sestina about Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts? Your six words are: pink, round, firmness, succulent, supple, and pillowy. Personally, I think at least one of the words should be buhbuhbuhbuh. ↗

— John Green

#breasts #funny #humor #paper #towns

[She] lost her patience, a thing she was all too prone to misplacing. ↗

— Gail Carriger

#patience #humor

Stop crying. You're giving archangels everywhere a bad name." Patch to Pepper ↗

— Becca Fitzpatrick

#patch-cipriano #humor

We never think lightly of those who walk with us on our uphill days. ↗

— Richelle E. Goodrich

#charity #friends #friendship #giving #kindness

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#parenting #humor

Reluctantly she lifted her eyes to his, and he went on: "I want you to understand this as though I were one of your own people." He drew in a deep breath. "Thank you. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for my life. ↗

— R.J. Anderson

#knife #paul-mccormick #friendship

My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #blot-out #cloud #funny #humor

To have God speak to the heart is a majestic experience, an experience that people may miss if they monopolize the conversation and never pause to hear God's responses. ↗

— Charles Stanley

#experience #god #hear #heart #majestic