#ran

I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #insurance #on-quotes #oscar-wilde #quote

I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#considerate #funny #humor #jarod-kintz #mail

I think it would be rewarding to be a professional non-thinker, because I’m always trying to do the exact opposite of work. So I might as well spend eight hours a day deep in thought. Plus, I think it would be marvelous to hear my boss scream, “What are you doing thinking? Get back to work. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #strange #thinking #funny

She'd had sex with a demon. Tayla swallowed bile and tried to keep her stomach from heaving. She needed to shower. And douche. ↗

— Larissa Ione

#paranormal #funny

On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #money #odd

Awesome ends with me; but Ugly starts with u... ↗

— Stephan

#random #silly #funny

She ought to call him Benjamin, but it was too intimate, too soft. "My lord?" she ventured, only half serious. "Good, God, no." She bit back a smile. "Husband?" she took a sip of wine. He grunted. "Are we to become Quakers? ↗

— Kristen Callihan

#benjamin #firelight #funny #miranda #names

I don’t worry about identity theft, because I don’t even know who I am as a person. So if I’m not even in possession of my own identity, how can it be stolen from me?
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

Those prancing little pants-wetters come here to learn the colorful and gentlemanly art of fencing, with its many sporting limitations and its proscriptions against dishonorable engagements. You on the other hand, you are going to learn how to kill men with a sword. ↗

— Scott Lynch

#gentleman #killing #prancing #swords #art

A blanket could be made of tuna fish skin, which would go well with my cottage cheese thighs.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny